Boris vs. Sass-Master 9000: Surviving Arrakis' Dumbest AI

So there I was, knee-deep in suspiciously clean imperial station sand, wondering why Kief Villari couldn’t just hire a normal courier. Me, Boris—a Mentat who prefers calculating spice profits over dodging slaver knives—was now playing secret agent in Dune: Awakening’s Lost Harvest DLC. After planting bugs in Kirab nests and turning Imperial Testing Station #13 upside down like a disgruntled maid, we found out those slaver rats had swiped Villari’s precious package. Typical. But hey, they left a trail clumsier than a drunk sandworm. Time for Digging Deeper. And by “digging,” I meant shooting things.

Imperial Testing Station #117: Where Slavers Have Terrible Taste in Decor

Villari’s coordinates led me northeast of Station #13 to #117. My ornithopter, Liliha, rattled like she was coughing up sand. Inside? Dank corridors and ambush-happy slavers lurking behind crates labeled ‘Probably Not Explosives.’ My advice? Turn right immediately. Why? Because left smelled like stale fear and regret. And also, Boris senses danger like a Fremen smells water. Instincts! Or maybe it was the growling.

The Purple Band of Mild Annoyance

Cleared the room (messily), and lo! The purple ID band sat on a table like a discarded snack wrapper. Snatched it faster than a seagull nabbing fries. This shiny trinket unlocked a pentashield at the south end. Behind it? Villari’s fancy metal case. I grabbed it, feeling smug. Villari even called! “Boris, you magnificent, sand-encrusted beast!” Okay, he didn’t say that. But his gratitude made my circuits hum. Boris: 1, Universe: 0.

Off to Station #29: Because One Nightmare Wasn’t Enough

Package acquired? Great. Now Villari wanted me to finish his team’s botched job. Typical. Headed to the Hagga Rift—a place cheerfully described as ‘geologically unstable.’ Translation: prone to collapsing if you sneeze. Found Station #29’s entrance buried like a guilty secret. Inside? More hallways. More slavers. More questionable interior design.

The Green Band & The Secret Bookshelf of Doom

First objective: Find the hidden lab entrance. Step one? Grab a green ID band. Went down a right hall, took a left (felt like a maze designed by a sadist), and found stairs leading down. Band was there, glowing softly like radioactive cheese. Backtracked, unlocked a pentashield across the hall , fought through rooms until slavers were just unpleasant memories, and found stairs leading up. At the top? A purple ID band and a bookcase screaming “I AM A SECRET DOOR!” Interacted. It slid open. Beyond? Darkness and the distinct whiff of machine arrogance.

The Hidden Lab: Where Power Supplies Have Commitment Issues

Descended into a cave so dark even my Mentat eyes strained. Found a giant sci-fi door. Dramatic. Inside? Pure chaos. The lab’s power was out. Three power supplies needed restarting. All locked behind doors requiring my trusty Cutteray. It was like playing whack-a-mole with security:

1. First supply: Right inside the entrance door. Zapped it open. Click. Power hummed.

2. Second supply: Behind two sealed doors. More cutting. More humming. Progress!

3. Third supply: Cut through the final door, entered a library bathed in eerie red light. Found the last switch. Flipped it. Felt like jump-starting a dead thumper.

The Sass-Master 9000 Emerges

With power restored, a pentashield deactivated. Behind it? The access port. Inserted Villari’s sphere. Suddenly, a giant red hologram—the ‘Solido Projection’—materialized. And it spoke. “Ah. Another meat-dipped calcium deposit graces my sanctum.” Excuse me? A what? This glorified toaster called me a walking bone broth! Rude.

Defend Against Holographic Hooligans

The download started. The AI, predictably, threw a tantrum. Summoned waves of shimmering holographic goons trying to smash the sphere. My job? Keep these sparkly nuisances away. My strategy? Shoot everything that glowed while muttering insults under my breath about ungrateful machines. “Resisting capture? You’re literally made of light! Sit down!”

Victory (and Spite)

Survived the light show. Download complete. Yanked the sphere out. Take that, you disrespectful data stream! Flew back to Harko Village, found Elara Tuek near the Mithra lime-green logo marker. Handed over the sphere. She seemed pleased. I was mostly tired.

The Twist & Boris’s Bleak Future Outlook

Sent back to Hagga Basin, then immediately recalled to Elara. Her techies scanned the sphere. “More labs,” she says, eyes wide. “More machine minds!” Great. Just perfect. So ends Digging Deeper. Begins Secrets of the Past. Personally? I foresee dusty ruins, more sarcastic AI (“Greetings, carbon-based annoyance”), and a distinct lack of decent coffee stations. Arrakis’s best secret agent? Maybe. But honestly, I’d trade this thinking machine sphere for a comfortable chair and a nap. The future smells like sand, gunpowder, and machine-learning-induced migraines. Pass the spice coffee.